Plans work y'know
by Lil' Ass Kicker
Summary: Jake's mother comes down, she misunderstands and thinks that their dating- he doesn't have the heart to tell her otherwise. Amy and Jake decide to fake date, to make things worse an unsuspected guest shows up... (Started from scratch because after some thinking, I'm unhappy with the terms and events of this... Chapter one remains the same.)
1. Chapter 1

**I donnot own Brooklyn nine -nine or any of its characters. **

_**Plans work y'know**_

_**3rd Person**_

He turns back to his mother, who is smiling wide. "Is that you twos thing?" He closes the door.

"One, what is a 'thing' and two, what drugs are you on?" His mother hits his arm.

"I mean-" She flicks his ear, making him wince away in pain.

"That's our thing." He tells her. "She can be very violent."

"Together. You say 'hunny I'm home' and she says 'hunny your home and loud enough to wake angels'." He shakes his head and she shrugs off her coat.

"No, we just mess around."

**I should probably explain this. **

Amy was his girlfriend, in his mothers eyes. It was a mix of regretful words and misunderstanding. He told her they were partners, he realized his mistake too late. He'd explained it to Amy, who agreed plainly to see a smiled on his mothers face. She was a sucker for praise, and penance when her Christan mother did something wrong around her. Amy had been in a mad rush to make his apartment cleaner, more Amy Santiago lived in and fill one drawer with her stuff. Vera, his mother, thought they'd been dating for three years now! **  
**

**Back to the present.**

"Well it should be you guys thing." She stated. "I think it's sweet- no adorable."

"God you sound like Sant- Amy's mum." Jake half whined and half groaned, leading his mom to where Jake knew Amy would be. Jake had to admit, as he looked around... Santiago was a freaking fantastic cleaner.

"Where is she?" Vera asked. "I want to see the carrier of my future grandchildren!"

"I'm leading you to her." Jake stated. "Don't nag me." He made no comment on the grandchildren thing, he'd let her do her own thing. He happened to open the door as he said the words, finding Amy glaring at him.

"That is no way to talk to your mother darling." She spotted Vera and ran over. "Hi, I'm Amy Santiago."

Vera shook her awaiting hand. "I like her already." She murmured to her son, who just smiled. "She's lovely." Amy smiled more. "Hello sweetheart. I'm Vera Peralta- but call me mom or Vera." She pulled the girl into a tight hug, who just stood shocked before relaxing into it.

"You give amazing hugs Vera." She told her, but it felt wrong. "Mrs Peralta-"

"No, call me mom!" Vera demanded, letting her go.

"OK... mom." Amy smiled.

"Are you one of those brawn's?" Vera asked. "Or brains?"

"Both." Jake interjected.

"I love her." Vera hugged her again. "Jake, marry her please?" Amy laughed.

"Trust me mom," Still sounded weird. "Sorry that doesn't grow on me, either. I call my mother Constance." She shrugs. "But anyway, trust me when I say pineapples- I mean Peralta- I mean Jake..." She has got to get a hold on that. "Trust me when I say that Jake has shown no signs of leaving. Isn't that right hunny?" He glared at Amy until his mother turned to face him. She really knew how to twist the knife... the plan was to break up before she left.

"I'm surprised you guys aren't already married- or even engaged." Vera told her. "I know so many people who would be by now."

"We don't want to rush anything." Amy explained. "We want to wait and see where it takes us, right sweetie?" Vera turned back to her son again, not giving him a chance to send a finger Amy's way.

"Yeah, we're um- seeing where the road leads."

"Well, I see that she adores you already!" Vera exclaimed, turning back to Amy. "I hope you feel the same way, it wouldn't kill you to show it once in a while. You've barely said four words to her."

"That's because your son is practically incapable of saying something that doesn't insult, degrade or mock me." Amy jokes, Vera catches on and slaps her playfully.

"Shall we go into the living room?" Vera asked. "Not just standing here like a bunch of sad saps!" She laughs and walks off, beckoning for them to follow.

"Just give us a second alone please." Jake told her and she nodded, he closed the door and turned back to Amy.

"Don't you dare go making baby's yet on me!" Vera's voice called and her heels clicked away.

"Hey," Amy sat on his bed. "I cleaned the entire apartment, don't you dare get annoyed at me."

"You just basically ruined the plan." He tried the keep his voice low. "We were supposed to break up. No, you were supposed to break up with me."

"Well, I like your mom." He groaned. "She seems like a real _mom."_ He sits next to her. "I mean mine was too busy planning her death and having baby's just got in the way, she's still alive y'know." She crossed her arms. "I want to get on your moms good side, please pineapples?"

He frowned. "You had to ruin a good moment didn't you." He throws an arm around her. "No more freaking me out yeah?" She nods.

"Sorry but it was hilarious. You're face," She laughs and falls back onto the bed, sniffing the covers. "I washed these by the way." He glares.

"Maybe you should be my maid."

"Nah," She bury's her face in the covers. "It's no fun after a while, it's like having a baby. Except, I wanna baby one day." She sits up and meets his surprised face. "That smells really nice actually. Who got you that softener?" He looked at her blankly.

"One, what is softener and two, I had softener?" He asks, checking it off with his fingers.

She stands and goes to walk out. "Peralta." He stands and walks to her. "There is no hope in hell I'm sharing a bed with you. You're taking the floor or a mattress." He scoffs.

"Like hell I am."

* * *

He stormed through the door, Amy in tow. "Mom!"

"Vera!" Amy yelled, looking around.

"For god sakes, call me mom Amy!" Vera whined, walking out of his kitchen. "And by the way, this place is tiny. Get a bigger place if you plan on having-" She paused, seeing the look on her sons face. "What did I do?"

"You told captain Holt about us?!" Jake asked, walking up to her. "And the entire precinct." She shrugged.

"I thought they knew." She explained, sitting down. "I mean three years sweetheart."

"Well they didn't." Amy explained, trying to keep her voice calm. "No one knew but you." Amy sat next to her.

"You dunno how many times I've had Gina up to me today-"

"Gina! How is she?" Vera asked, forgetting everything else.

"She's fine." Amy told her, knowing Jake could pop.

"She has said to me, on a numerous amount of occasions, 'have you been boning down with Santiago?'-"

"What is boning down?" Vera asked, again changing the subject. "Is it a new slang for sex?"

Jake put his head in his hands and groaned. "Amy and I are gonna have to fill out a report or some of that shit on this!" Vera forms an 'o' shape with her mouth.

"Jake!" Amy scolded. "Language around your mother." He sighs and she glares.

"Fine, I'm sorry for swearing _mom." _He means to direct it at Amy but Vera takes it instead.

"It's fine sweetheart." She waves it off. "You guys were gonna have to fill out this form sometime right?" He sighs again. "What if you got married? I just helped the push."

"You're right." Amy tells her. "In the future we will have to tell." She stands and goes to Jake, wrapping an arm around him. "Thank you Vera, we probably wouldn't have been able to do that."

He had to give her props, he knew she hated lying to people - especially Holt- she managed to keep her anger down because she didn't want to upset his mother. Jake just knew he was gonna get it later. By the way Amy looked at him he could tell she wanted him to be nice on this, because she obviously wanted to get to know his mother and him yelling and screaming would make her all awkward. He also knew that her relationship with her mother wasn't the best and she wanted a better one with Vera- his mom. Jesus, a look can say a lot...

"Are you not mad at me then?" Vera asked, hopeful. She looked between her son and his 'girlfriend'.

"No," Jake managed. "I agree with Amy." He pulls her into him more and she lays her head on his chest. Vera nodded and walked out. Amy hugged him close.

"Thank you." She whispered.

* * *

He was right, Amy did have a mini go. Plainly because she kind of owed him for not yelling and screaming at his mother, so obviously not upsetting her. So it was a mini go; not full on screaming Spanish and Irish (oh yeah, she knew that too!), spit in your food for the rest of your life, kick you out of the house, refuse to talk to you Santiago. Yeah, she did that once. Well, not spit in his food for the rest of his life. It was once and she threw it away, feeling bad straight after.

Currently it was lying on his bed, telling him what she thought. Then it'd be pity for herself and she'd go to sleep and feel better in the morning, acting like the amazing woman/ 'girlfriend' his mother - and him but he'd never say- thought she was.

"I hate lying to everyone." She told him, patting a spot next to her on his bed. "It feels wrong."

"Sorry fart goblin." He lies next to her on the bed and she hits him playfully while he laughs. "I know it feels wrong but think of it like we're on a mission." She frowns.

"That makes me feel no better."

"Why not?" She looks at him, looking into his eyes and he thinks she'll say something sweet.

"Because that mean's Holt would know and I wouldn't feel bad for lying to my entire precinct!" She looks back up at the ceiling. "Hey Peralta," He looks at her. "I really missed you y'know."

"What?" He's confused, he was only washing up from dinner earlier. His mother had insisted since his girlfriend had 'helped' cooking when in reality all she did was sit on the counter, read a magazine and have a conversation with Vera so she wasn't lonely. "I was only in the kitchen just then." She flicks his ear. "I told my mom you did that, she didn't believe me." She laughs. "Perhaps I should get a sign. Santiago abuses me by... flicking my ear and it hurts."

"Aw, is it a booboo?" She gives him fake sympathy.

"Anyway, when did you miss this?" He points to his face. "I know I'm attractive but you didn't need to miss it-"

"When you were gone for six months. I was scared Jake." He realizes its one of the first times she'll use his first name when they're not around his mother. "You could've died-" He gives her a look.

"I'm alive now aren't I?" They'd forgotten about him admitting his feelings to her, well he'd just shrugged it off whenever she mentioned it. She'd broken up with Teddy when he left, trying to figure it all out. When he came back she'd tried, but he was scared of bad news.

"Do you still-"

"I don't really wanna talk about it." He sits up and she frowns. "It's hard alright?"

"It's hard for me too." She keeps her soft tone in tact and sits up with him. "Feelings I mean. I understanding you wanting to get your head straight." She tells him, leaning on his arm. "You stink."

"I need to go have a shower then." He gets up and she falls back onto his - their in his mothers case- bed. "I have been chasing perps all day y'know?" She wrinkles her nose.

"So you smell of sweat, drugs and urine." She makes a horrified face and sighs. "Go, you're literally reeking of sweat actually..."

* * *

He pokes her side again, normally she'd only mind a little but, she had work in the morning and she was trying to sleep. "Go away or go so help me I will push you off this bed." He sighs and she bury's her face deeper into her pillow. "I didn't even wanna share-"

"Why cause you snore?" She sits up quickly, looking at him with a little fear in her eyes.

"I do?" He scoffs.

"Yeah," She looks quite upset, it annoyed him. He sat up and she followed his movements. "Only a little, it's actually quite soothing."

"Oh crap." She bury's her face in her hands and groans. "Is that why all my relationships fail? I mean, Teddy only stayed the night once... then again he was very drunk." The mention of Teddy makes Jake's blood boil. "Then again, I broke up with him because I like you-" She stops her mumble and hopes he didn't hear.

"W-"

"Nevermind. Can I just go to bed now?" Amy asks and he nods, she lays back down. "Hey Peralta," He lays next to her. "Friends hug each other right?"

"Not in bed." He comments. "But then again, when have we ever been normal?" She smiles and he wraps his arms around her, she snuggles into his chest and he smiles too not letting her see.

"Wanna stay like this?" She asks, hoping for a yes.

"OK," Jake nuzzles his face into her hair. "Hey Santiago."

"Yeah." She sighs, preparing for dreamland.

"You're foot is laying on my special place and it's quite painful-"

"Ew is that what that is?" She asks, moving her leg. "I thought it was your hand or something."

"Nope," He laughs into her hair. "Why the hell were your feet there anyway?"

"When I was a little girl I used to do it, kinda stuck and I am not getting into a conversation at one in the morning."

"It's two actually." He half jokes and is half serious.

"Well then fuck off and let me sleep will you." He laughs and gives in.

* * *

"You look a dog just threw up on you and then kicked Jake in the nuts." Gina comments at Amy's appearance.

"Well I'm so sorry but Peralta kept me up last night." She, just like Jake, realizes her mistake too late. "And can dogs do that?" She trys to cover it up.

"I so did not need that mental picture." Someone comments from behind her, Amy takes no notice and walks off, Gina in tow.

"Neither did I." Gina agrees.

"We didn't do that." Amy defends.

"What? Have sex. You don't need to hide it." Gina tells her, waving it off. "Jake's new status kinda proved it." Amy turned and snatched Gina's phone.

"Fun night last night, even my mom can't hold us back." Amy read, looking closely at the tag. "With Amy Santiago." "Ew. Can't believe he posted that." She scrolled down. "Oh look, all my friends have seen it." She scrolled down. "Oh look," She showed Gina. "My old friend Ronnie commented-" She read it. "Oh."

"Yeah, oh. She's vulgar." Gina took her phone back. "Oh look, your mum commented. Well Ronnie did on your mums behalf." Amy took the phone. "She says-"

"BTW, your mom has totally read this Amy Santiago." They read together.

"That might be a problem." Gina mumbles, Amy storms off. "Are you gonna punch Jake?" She runs after her. "'Cause I'd love to see him get punched." Gina tells her, still following until they reach Jake's desk.

"Hey," His voice is cut short when Amy pokes him continuously. "What did I do?"

"You posted about sex on Facebook!" Amy yells. "My mother- Constance," Amy corrects. "Saw that." She complains.

"Like you care. I thought you said you hated your mom?" He asks, she glares. "Constance."

"I do, but I don't want her seeing that." She explains, sitting on the chair next to his desk. "She always calls me about new dates-"

"I don't think she'll have to now."

"That's not the point Peralta."

"Are you gonna punch him or what?" Gina asks. "That's the _only _reason I'm here." Gina tells him.

"No, I'm not gonna punch him." Jake breathes out a sigh of relief.

"Damn!" Rosa huffs and Gina stomps back to her desk.

"Don't think your off the hook Peralta-"

"Don't break up!" Boyle begs. "It's taken too much hinting to get you two together."_ Oh right, he thinks we're dating,_ Amy thinks.

"We're not breaking up." Jake explains. "Couples have fights." She glares, muttering profanity's under her breath. "Right gumdrop?"

She _hates _pet names. She scowls. "You're in a hole right now, don't dig any deeper." She threats and he throws his hands up in surrender.

* * *

Vera rushes to the pair as they walk through the door. "I heard you two fought today." She exclaims and takes Amy by her arms. "Please don't give up on him, you're such a nice girl. He couldn't do better!" She shakes her. "Trust me, you're the best and he's told me all about how much he adores you."

"Still digging myself a hole?" Jake asks.

"Nope." Amy turns back to him. "Your mum just helped dig you out." She smiles and hugs him. "She totally just told me the truth didn't she?" Amy asks.

"Maybe, maybe not." He enjoys her hug and she bury's her face into the crook of his neck while he does the same but into her hair.

When they break apart she smiles and turns but Vera's gone. "Hey," She drags him to the sofa. "Did you hear a weird voice popping into your conversations today?" He shakes his head. "Hm, well I have. When I was talking to Gina I heard a voice that was really familiar-" Vera's voice stops her.

"Amy!" She runs in. "I almost forgot. You have a visitor." She tells her. "A Ronnie or something, says she's from Long Island or something." Vera shrugs. "She's just like that Rosa at the precinct."

"Ronnie?" Amy asks. "Long Island?" Vera nods. "Blonde, formal clothing?" Vera nodded again. "How did she find me?"

"It's only twenty minutes away." Jake supply's. "You can walk it but I wouldn't advise it." Amy stands.

"Where is she?"

"Bedroom." Jake stands too and follows Amy into 'their' bedroom.

Amy barges into the room. "Ronnie?" She turns. "What are you doing here?"

"Nice way to treat your friends, you haven't changed." She gave her a half a smile and sits on Jake's bed. "By the way, these sheets smell awesome! Where did you get your softener?" Amy throws a pointed look in Jake's direction.

"I don't freaking know!" He exclaims.

"Again. What the hell are you doing here?" Amy asks. "I thought I told you to stay away."


	2. Chapter 2 (Changed)

**I donnot own Brooklyn nine -nine or any of its characters. **

_**Plans work y'know**_

_**3rd Person**_

"Why are you here?" Amy asks, sitting down on the bed. Ronnie shrugs and smiles at her before sitting next to her.

"Because I'm me." She informs her. "I don't leave you alone, I cling onto people..." Ronnie sighs. "I like keeping family close-"

"We're _not _family." Amy grits out through her teeth. "Please leave."

"Amy..." Ronnie keeps a soft voice, Jake can tell she's trying to sound desperate... maybe it's working. "I need to talk to you-"

"Well I don't need the same from you." Amy spits out, making Ronnie look taken aback. "Now _please _have the _courtesy _to leave._" _Ronnie sighs again and stands.

"That what you really want?" Ronnie asks and Amy nods. "Okay, I'll leave." She opens her clutch purse and takes out a piece of paper. "Please take this." She goes to hand it to Amy but to no avail. "Fine." She turns and offers it to Jake. "Please." He cracks and takes it with a silent nod.

"I'll see you." He says. "Kind of nice meeting you-"

"Don't bother with that," She smiles. "Just remind her that I'm the ice to her fire."

"What?" He's confused. Very, very, very confused. "Ice to her fire?" She nods and walks out.

* * *

Amy doesn't tell him why she's there, or why she's hated... anything. He doesn't ask, doesn't wanna upset her... although he's always seen her as strong willed and determined, she crashed. She doesn't tell him anything at all, zilch. If there could be a metaphoric scale on what he knew, he wouldn't rank top spot. He'd be the crash, burn, hook line and stinker... Maybe he's getting his metaphors wrong, but suck it anyway!

Vera doesn't say a word, meaning he told her to shut it in the nicest way possible. She fought off all her instincts until Amy came 'home' with a expression worse than a slapped arse, than she had to ask.

"What the hell happened to you?" She asks, leaning against the counter. "You look like you just got run over." Amy's glare makes her insides squirm a little. "Listen to me, whatever it is..." Amy's look softens. "Tell someone. Preferably me 'cause I'm a little bit nosy..." Amy chuckles a little. "But Jake too, he's good at making people laugh!" Vera gives her an award winning smile that reminds her so much of Jake.

"Thanks, I will." Vera smiles. "I dunno if Peral- Jake would understand it that well-"

"Then tell me!" She stretches out the 'e' in 'me' as if to beg. "I listen." She pokes out her ears excitedly. "Tell a woman! I like to-"

"Ronnie came up to me today." Amy interrupts.

"So? She seemed lovely, claiming she was flattered to meet her 'hopefully soon to be brother- in- law and mother-in-law'! I didn't even care that she said it wrong! She was so polite, even if we had no connection-"

"She said something that killed me."

Vera's eyes travel all around Amy's body as if to look for any damage. "Well you look perfectly fine to me."

"She-" Amy goes into detail.

_Flashback to four hours ago: _

_Ronnie grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the crowd of people. "Sh! It's me!" Amy stops struggling a little, knowing Ronnie wouldn't hurt her. "Listen to me!"_

_"Why are you here?" Amy asks, looking out for anyone who she recognized. Especially Jake or Holt. "I told you to leave." _

_"Just listen!" Ronnie pulls something from her pocket, a letter. "I signed." Amy stops looking and her eyes go to the letter. "But you have to make me a deal." _

_"No." Amy states. "I don't deal with people like you." _

_"You were my family once!" This makes Amy pause. "We were so close, c'mon Amsies-" _

_"Don't call me that-"_

_"I always used to!" _

_"It's different now." Amy tells her. "You're not a friend anymore, you're a foe. A bitter one at that-" Ronnie doesn't let her take the letter from her hand. _

_"We need a deal." She claims. "OK." _

_"What kind?" Amy gives in a little, preparing to hear her out. _

_"I need you in my life, OK. Hear that? You're my ticket to getting back to Carlos-"_

_"No." She states. "No, Carlos may be an asshole but he's still family."_

_"Then Daryl, TATE!" She begs. "Someone."_

_"How about **the police!?"**_ _She reaches out for the letter. _

_"No! I need you in my life Amy! I've changed-"_

_"Last time I saw you, you tried to stab me!" _

_"Because you lied!" _

_"Not willingly. I never meant for it to happen that way-"_

_"It's all your own fault." _

_End of flashback: _

"My own fault."

"What happened?" Vera asks. "Must've pissed her off bad."

"Ice to my fire my ass." Amy mumbles, making sure Vera couldn't hear. "It's my fault." She puts her head in her hands. "I lied to help out her idiot, horrible, fucker of a father."

"What did he do?"

Amy looks at Vera for a minute, before looking down at her hands. "It doesn't matter."

Vera will leave it. "What did you do?"

Again, looking at her and looking away. "Matters. But not gonna tell-"

"C'mon fuck face." She doesn't mean it in a horrible way, more a jokey way. Amy takes it that way as she laughs. "Give me something to work with."

"I-" She sighs. "I can't, sorry Vera." Vera groans.

"Women are so fussy!" She makes a horrified facial expression but bursts into giggles three seconds in. "Alright, when you're ready."

* * *

She can _feel _his eyes on her as she continues her work, she wants to hover over her work for a while until he leaves, she knows he'll wait forever if he has to. Their not even dating for _real, _why does he act like they do? Takes it so far, makes her feel like she's actually in a relationship. It's screwing with her mind, in a good and bad way.

"Peralta, stop looking at me." She demands, not looking up, he doesn't stop. "Stop it." She feels like she's talking to a naughty child.

"Do it!" Gina calls over. "Or no sex for Mr Peralta tonight!" She laughs to herself not so quietly and Amy hides her face further into her paperwork, he doesn't stop.

"No." He calls back. "And we all know that's not gonna happen!"

She's tempted to text Vera, but she realizes that's very childish of her. And it's not like he's doing anything wrong, unless creepiness is something to be arrested or scolded for. Then again, in the likes of Vera Peralta... scolding is for everything. He stands, keeping his gaze, and walks to her before kneeling by her. "What do you want?" She asks, still not looking- now-down at him.

"Look at me." He whispers, Rosa turns her head to look over. She's never seen him worried, she might even take a photo, but then again... with Santiago he's obviously gonna be worried for his girlfriend. She does, very slowly, look at him and share a small smile. He searches her face for a minute, as if trying to figure something out, before pulling her outside and into the break room.

"What?" She asks, aching to be back at her desk. "I'm fine-"

"You're not." He knows her so well... _DAMN! _She thinks. "Obviously the amazing detective needed to talk to you." She sighs. "So spit it out, I'm freakin' starving and the longer you take... well the long it'll take to get back home."

She sighs. "It's not home, it's 'home' to me." He gives her a look that slightly reads, _ya gotta be shittin' me? _"It's nothing." She refrains to give him a hug for being so worried. "Promise."

"Promise?" He holds up a pinkie finger, something that reminds her ever so slightly of her niece.

They link pinkies and he gives her a cheeky, yet happy, grin. It makes her break out into a small smile too. "Promise."


End file.
